Yesterday

After a morning of waiting for a phone call which didn't come until we left the message with our phone numbers
i went to meet with mike to talk kayamundi
what does it mean to have an existing structure in my head for an afterschool program?
how do I react to situations where i think discipline is necessary?
how do I determine who to talk to? who to sit with?
then met with leah and joelle
watched cnn for a blissful 10 minutes
left to sit on the pedestal of cecil rhodes
where jesus and his disciples, local soapie stars, went to temple in a cheesy American movie of the book of Matthew. I think we watched it in Terry McGonigal's Shalom claass.

what does it mean to have preconcieved notions of poverty
what does it mean to be haunted by visions of home that i didn't understand then
and applying to this context still can't properly process
people just want to be heard.
kids need the same meaning giving context that adults do,
where do i fit? why does it matter so much?
what are the capacities of grade 7 students and why do we give them folders to color for 40 minutes?
where was the hw help?
where was the setting of expectations?
what about the volunteers? where is the structure for them?
how do I fit into this structure?
who are the people who dreamed this up in the first place? where is the learner imput for the current structure?
why don't I want to deal with KP right now?
why is it so complicated to live here and know when you need, for emotional stability purposes, to back off calm down, close your bedroom door and process? and when do you know that you need to calm down, let go, and not worry and go out and be social? how do you know what to accept and what to tear apart?
there's too much happening to process everything
and when are you supposed to do your homework?

"what's your favorite subject"
"English"
"why?"
"because it sounds prettier"
"you don't like speaking xhosa?"
"no."

"I have to go now. I have to leave the creche[preschool] with all these people. i'm going to put you down now...no, you can't come with me...no, you have to stay here...no, its gonna be okay...will you hold him while i leave?"
[run away and try not to look back at wide-eyed toddler straining against nine-year old girl]

"is it hard, leaving your mother and family behind here?" (while you live the good life going to college and living with a Brit)
"yes, i won't be able to not think about them tonight, i won't sleep"

"She [odey] doesn't have a home. She's been here since a child. She's half Angolan. Her mother is somewhere in Congo, you know how impossible it would be to find her in that mess. we've tried...All she wants to do is play football...She's good enough to play for the national team... but she doesn't have papers. Her father brought her here as a child... but it was too much to handle. he left her at the ark and went back to angola...I think she misses him a lot... she's without a country now... i can't adopt her legally without papers... she's been with me since she was fourteen.. it would take ten years to track down birth certificates from the hospital in kinshasa. it doesn't have a telephone number on the internet. they won't even have paper records probably...you can't adopt a thirty year old."

I didn't have the 15-30 seconds where i wondered whether i was going to die or not, so I didn't have the trauma of being shot in a hi-jacking. we all just thought it was glass in my face in the aftermath...it was only in the x-ray that they realized i had a bullet lodged in my tongue... Miraculously a police car drove by as it was happening so they caught the boys...it was their first hijacking...it was for a gang initiation
...when i realized what was happening, i yelled for the 6 girls to get out of the car. they all did but odey (her foster daughter) who was paralyzed in the corner.
the gun was in his hand..i think he was quite nervous actually. it went off as he approached the car. so the window took most of the impact, then it went into my cheek and down. that's why i have these two monstrosities of false teeth now. i always tell people, if they want money for their support, they need to adopt foster daughters and get shot in the face in a hijacking... i used to be quite naive really.

"leah, whats the hardest thing for you to see? you see a lot of hard stuff"
"i think i'm pretty desensitized to it by now but i guess the hardest is the young mothers. the ones that don't have anything to live for, they are carrying these children in their arms that they have no hope for."

what does it mean to be human?
what does it mean to have a meaning-giving context?
how do you help other people find that when you find it for yourself by helping them with mundane things like math homework?
how do you assist english language learning while encouraging pride in their native tongue which is too complex for most volunteers to learn?
how much does language affect individual identity?
how do you encourage capacity and listen to and encourage middle-schoolers?
how much of a difference does Kayamundi Project make in the long run?
how could that much well-meaning quality ISOS time be utilized differently? more effectively?
in such a structured/top-down environment, how do i make the change i learn about in Community Development class?
how much of this is reinforcing stereotypes? preconceived notions? how much is allowing for paradigm shifts?